fgjsgfajhdsf a secret club exclusively for people with HEARTS. You are still to date the only person to ever respond to my depressed messages, to ask me if I’m okay, and to offer a shoulder to cry on. I have other “friends” on here *coughyouknowwhoImean* who totally browse and blog on tumblr for hours straight, yet conveniently ignore every desperate cry for help/attention I make like I’m some kind of worthless garbage.
You are not one of those people
You can be club president.
I’ll get you a fancy medal.
by god I’m in so much pain in my right arm joints right now
now I can’t do anything because I need my right arm to do stuff
and skype is failing me, so I can’t talk to my new friends
oh my damn this is a truly miserable experience
If you don’t care about my life or my problems, hit that page down button….. now.
No cut because I’m typing this all from my phone.
I’m reaching new milestones in my extreme depression journey.
I cry multiple times every day. Hard. I know they can hear it, but my family just ignores all of my feelings.
I go about 3-5 nights a week without a single hour of sleep (not always in a row). I’m on heavy, extreme combos of sedatives, but nothing makes me sleepy. This gives me plenty of time to contemplate how miserable I am, on top of daylight hours.
I have been gone from school unannounced and unexplained for three weeks, and only ONE person cares/notices that I’m gone, or even asked if I was okay (I’m not). And to think that a few months ago, I dreamed of having a boyfriend, but now I have nobody at all.
My parents recently found out from my older brother’s therapist that he’s depressed, and they’ve been bending over backwards to cater to his every whim and ask him if he’s okay and spoil him rotten. I’ve been severely depressed for months now,and made desperate cries to have them recognize that, but they’ve never once waited on me hand and foot, or even asked if I was okay. Not. Once. I’d like to pretend that’s because they already know that I’m not, but its probably just because they like my brothers more than me. They always have.
I went to GameStop today to kill some time while waiting for an appointment. I wanted one game— the new Fire Emblem. Every game I picked up, my brother had to chime in “ooh I’ve played that, it’s good.” Maybe he was just trying to be friendly, but all it did was remind me of how much more love he gets from our parents than I do. He has all the games anybody could dream of, but the moment I ask for ONE, the response is always “don’t you have schoolwork to do? no way.” Why punish me for having a life and a future, and reward him for having no job or schooling, and no plans of ever getting either? They are out of Fire Emblem at every store in the Fresno area, by the way. I made the poor shop girl call them all. I’m sorry, lady.
I’ve connected to some new people through my rp blog recently. We started a three way Skype chat last night, and it made me so happy. I missed having a Skype group to talk to all the time about anything, because apparently, getting busy in real life, or having a new boyfriend, or me not liking fucking homestuck are good enough reasons to abandon your “friends” and never talk to them again nowadays (good riddance, I guess?). The reason this all is relevant is that I want to talk to one or both of them about how agonizingly depressed and hopeless I feel, but I don’t want to scare them away from me, like: “Hi, we’ve only known each other for a few weeks, now let me tell you about how mentally, emotionally, and physically fucked up me and my life are!” I mean, they know I’m very sick because I’ve announced it on said blog, but as if anybody wouldn’t hightail it out after having something like that unloaded on them. Hopefully my future with them goes well, though. One of them lives in Reno, but attends the same cons I do in LA. Maybe I’ll get to meet him this summer.
This Kyary album I’ve had on repeat as I’ve waited for my therapist for the past four hours doesn’t match my mood at all: depressed, miserable, neglected, unloved, and here’s this bubblegum jpop singer singing a song about candy. It’s odd.
But now I’m getting off topic. It always feels nice to get these feelings out in public, even when I know that there’s only maybe one person following me here that cares enough to read these long winded posts of mine, or even comment or message me to tell me that they’re there for me (you know who you are. I can’t thank you enough.)
I think I’m going to go home and mope now, then. Sounds about right to me. Bai bai